(KEYS JINGLING)
(CROWS CAWING)
(LOCK CLICKS)
GUARD: It's time.
(SPURS RATTLING)
(ELEVATOR DINGING)
(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)
(ELEVATOR WHIRRING)
(ELEVATOR THUDS)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
SATAN: Yeah, he's walking in now.
That's right, no loose ends.
I would expect the same thing on your side.
Uh-huh.
Okay, thrice blessed, Allfather.
Ah. Okay, talk soon. Bye-bye.
Well, I'll be double-dipped in dog-shit.
If it's not the biggest,
baddest son of a bitch in all of Hell.
Here, in my office.
Sit down, Sidney.
You're the Angel of Death.
"Relax, have a sandwich, drink a glass of milk,"
is from?
Midnight Runs.
Run. It's Midnight Run.
Forget about it.
The moment has passed.
Take the gentleman's duster and let the grown-ups talk.
(CHAIR CREAKS)
Crazy, huh?
I want to see you. You want to see me.
Kismet, I think, they call that, is that right? Sounds right.
Anyway, what matters is, we're here.
Two men, speaking our minds.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
There is one item, though, small, no big deal, really.
Uh, but needs tending to. Do you mind?
Good.
It's about your little trip upstairs.
"The breakout."
Look, I get it. If I'm doing my time,
and a couple of angels walk in and tell me I can take a walk?
(CHUCKLING) I am gone-zilla, baby. No doubt about it.
Breathe some air, eat a Slim Jim, that's a good deal.
But what's a good deal for you, is not always a good deal for me.
And souls escaping my realm,
that's actually bad for me.
And what's bad for me is just bad.
Did you know God is gone?
And, as you can imagine, I've got plans.
Big plans.
But without my reputation,
those plans go the way of Gary, Indiana.
So, short story long,
I'm going to need you to make amends.
(CHAINS RATTLING)
You know, look, obviously, I'm a fan.
I don't like this any more than you do.
And if it were up to me...
Well, actually, it is up to me.
Just know, this is not my favorite part.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, who am I kidding?
It totally is.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
How do I break the spell?
Tell me.
I ain't helping you.
And you ain't getting out of here.
MAN: (POUNDING) Open the door. Open the goddamn door.
You're a dead woman.
We're coming in.
Shit!
Watch your toes.
MAN: Jesus Christ! She's back. She's crazy!
- You crazy bitch. - Ain't I though?
YOUNG JESSE: Welcome.
You motherless goat-humpers!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Are you not entertained?
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
And welcome to the Tombs, my brothers.
Tonight, for your pleasure, two merciless monsters will fight
as if their very souls were on the line.
And if they advance to the redemption round,
take on Jody, perhaps they are!
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
YOUNG JESSE: Wager your hard-stolen money wisely.
May the best man win,
and may God take mercy on our souls.
Let's fight!
(FIGHTERS GRUNTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SNIFFS)
Hey, what're you doing back here?
(SCOFFS) I'm not betting this time, I swear.
I just came by to, you know, soak up the ambiance.
You better soak up some smarts too,
or you're gonna have a date with Madame L'Angelle.
You hear me? If you don't pay your debts.
Yeah, yeah.
(CROWD CHEERING)
What? How much more you want me to squeeze out of 'em?
Every last drop.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Jody! Jody! Jody!
Hey, go easy this time, Jody.
It's easy every time.
CROWD: Jody! Jody! Jody!
Jody! Jody! Jody!
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Jody! Jody!
(INDISTINCT CHEERING)
Jody's up, so we're gonna need two more.
- Already? - Mmm-hmm.
Darn! Busy season. All right, let's see what we got.
Okay, boys, who wants a chance to get their soul back?
(CHAIN MOTOR RUMBLING)
I do.
MAN 1: I'm ready to go. MAN 2: Pick me.
Choose me.
MAN 3: I'll go.
MAN 4: Will you choose me?
Please. I'm ready.
Sorry, Hal, but you just got here.
(GASPS)
So, uh, you got anything fun planned for the weekend?
Um...
Uh, maybe go see Gladiator again.
Gladiator.
Careful Miss Marie don't find out who you're really going to see.
Pretty girl like that
won't do so good down here.
You know what I'm saying?
You hear me, boy.
(CHAINS RATTLING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Jody! Jody! Jody!
Jody! Jody! Jody! Jody!
All righty, fellas.
No business like show business.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Not again. God dang it, Jody.
I can't patch up the dead ones.
I got to go where the spirit leads me.
Besides,
we got the kid here, roping in all the pigeons
with that fancy face and voice of his.
Right, kid?
Don't you think there's lots more where he come from?
Yeah. Yeah, lots.
(JODY LAUGHS)
T.C.: Come on.
(BEAT THE DEVIL'S TATTOO PLAYING)
You have forsaken all the love you've taken
Sleepin' on a razor There's nowhere left to fall
Your body's aching Every bone is breakin'
MAN 5: Yeah, come on!
Nothing seem to shake it Itjust keeps holding on
(VOCALIZING)
I thread the needle through
You beat the devil's tattoo
(GRUNTING)
MAN: Kill him!
(WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Hey, are you all right?
(STAMMERS) All right?
Gentlemen, your new champion!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Next show is in one hour. Tell your friends.
MAN 1: Yes. Yes.
MAN 2: Yes, we will.
JODY: I think your friend here is gonna be real good for us.
He's not my friend.
(GROANS)
You wanna keep him fighting,
you're gonna need to give him some blood.
What kinda blood?
I got gator blood, pig blood, squirrel...
I don't give a shit.
He's a vampire. Just feed him.
We're gonna need beer for the heifers.
We get them drunk, we get their cash.
Soon, they need to see Miss Marie.
I told you you were gonna hate me.
(GROANS)
And you were right.
(CASSIDY SCREAMING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Like your nails.
The less you talk, the better.
If you're taking me to Angelville,
you probably want to go the other way.
Don't remember asking you.
I'm just saying, you can't get there on this road.
(TULIP SIGHS)
I meant what I said.
Even if I could, I'm never helping Jesse out that spell.
Pretty sure when we get there, you'll do what I tell you to.
What do you got against Jesse anyway? Huh?
Why you hate him so much?
Jesse L'Angelle is the worst person I have ever loved.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I can't let no Mardi Gras pirate call my sister a thief.
So, I'm ready to pounce, when he unscrews his goddang leg!
I figured it was just part of the costume,
but dude had a real stump.
Please don't tell me you beat his ass with it.
Hell, no. I waited until he turned his back and I snatched it.
Dude hopped up to me all the way to Canal Street.
Okay, we're gonna fool around.
So, why don't you do something useful for once
and get me some customers.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(CHUCKLES)
Good luck.
KENNY: Hey, you. You want your palm read?
Get out of my face!
(CHUCKLES)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
What?
You're not still mooning over that what's-her-name girl
back in Texas, are you?
(CHUCKLES) Tulip?
No. No.
Better not be.
Get undressed.
What if Kenny gets a customer?
(CHUCKLES) There are no customers.
Your grandma took them all.
Be right back.
I know business ain't much to look at now.
(CHAIN MOTOR RUMBLING)
YOUNG MADAME BOYD: But someday...
Be careful Miss Marie don't find out who you're really going to see.
I'm gonna beat that old witch at her own game.
Pretty girl like that won't do so good down here.
- I do. - Choose me.
Anyway...
What?
Changed my mind.
What?
Look, you're pretty, Sabina.
It's been fun making out with you.
But I'm a L'Angelle, heir to Angelville.
In the end, you're just a Boyd.
And I'm not gonna screw that up over a few sloppy kisses
from a piece of trash like you.
Get it?
Got it?
Good.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(SCREAMS)
(ENGINE REVVING)
That's the worst person you ever loved?
Please.
You haven't heard the rest of my story.
Yeah? Well, I got a story for you.
I drive. You shut your mouth.
The end.
What do you think?
Mine was better.
JODY: I tell you, kid,
I am going to destroy your friend tonight.
You keep calling him my friend.
If he's not your friend, what is he?
A cheating, drug-addicted, piece of shit Irish vampire,
whose only good quality is that he hurts.
We can chop him up into little pieces,
feed him a few drops of blood,
he'll do it all over again the next night.
And the next. And the next.
The money just keeps on rolling in.
Yeah.
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
Just like old times. Right, kid?
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
You sure they sell kegs?
Funny.
JESSE: Want a frozen yogurt?
Swirl.
I'll take these.
And I wanna ship something.
No weapons, guns, drugs, hazardous liquids?
No guns.
Stuff's over there.
Don't overfill the peanuts.
Ring the bell when you're ready.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm not sure if your limbs grow new
or connect back together or what,
but I figured better be safe than sorry.
CASSIDY: You forgot my hand.
Sorry, I needed that.
So, this is how you finally get rid of me, is it? Huh?
By bloody mail?
I'm not getting rid of you, Cass. I'm saving your ass.
It's the only way to get you out of there.
The only way?
I could think of 20 different ways
that wouldn't involve chopping off a bloody limb.
Like, a diversion or something like that.
(STAMMERS) Or Cape Fear.
You could've strapped me under a truck.
Or, obviously, there's the skin suit way.
"Skin suit way"?
You remove somebody else's skin,
you wrap me in it, disguising me as that person.
Do you know what I mean?
That is the stupidest... That would never work.
- Course it would. - Not in a million years.
Well, you go and tell that to Luke Skywalker.
He slit that tauntaun creature open
and it snuck him off without a bloody scratch.
He didn't sneak him off anywhere. The tauntaun kept him from freezing.
"Saving me." Gimme a bloody break, will you?
If it wasn't for me, Jody and T.C. would've strung you up to burn.
Oh, that's right, Jesse Custer, everybody, a bloody hero.
Strutting through the Tombs
like a demented circus worker of some kind.
I haven't got time for this shit.
You are an evil bastard is what you are.
And I see it now. I see it clear as day.
And Tulip will see it, too. She'll open up her eyes and...
Shut up about her.
You're nothing but an evil bastard. I hate your face.
Aw. Right in the dick.
You're welcome, asshole.
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
You're so lost.
(ENGINE REVS)
(SIGHS) So, a little boy was mean to you? Huh?
Broke your little girl heart?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Twenty years later, and you still want him dead.
Yeah, I'm lost.
You didn't let me finish.
Jesse didn't just break my heart.
(SIGHS)
He broke it twice.
(CHEERING)
The Mad Butcher of Angelville!
Who dares to face him next?
Is it you? Or you? Or you?
I'll fight. I'll fight you, L'Angelle.
You think you're better than us?
You think you can call my sister trash?
No, you're right.
I shouldn't have said that.
Comparing a Boyd to trash is an insult...
To trash!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Why don't you just run along?
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Jump away, kid!
Please, please, Jesse. Stop. Stop, Jesse.
(GASPING)
Stop, Jesse. Stop.
Please. Please, Jesse.
(YOUNG JESSE GRUNTING)
(SNIFFS)
Are you not entertained?
(CROWD CHEERING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
That is a goddamn lie!
MADAME BOYD: No, it's true.
This place brings out the worst in him.
Get out.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
CLERK: Oh, pass the rock, yo.
(EXCLAIMS)
What the...
(SIGHS)
I said no liquids.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
He's gone, he's gone. The vampire, he's gone.
He chewed his self free.
Find him!
(JODY GRUNTS)
(CROWD CHANTING)
JODY: Where are you going?
Welcome,
you motherless goat-humpers.
(CROWD CHEERING)
I have three announcements.
First,
to the owner of a blue Toyota Corolla,
I don't know why you have an alarm, but it is going off.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
The second,
is God has left heaven.
(CROWD MURMURING)
I don't know where he's gone,
not yet anyway,
but I heard from a friend of mine a theory on the why.
He is testing us.
I have no idea what this test might be,
but if the subject is,
"Can human beings be anything other
"than a bunch of greedy, violent assholes?"
Then we're in big trouble.
But if I find out that God just took off,
threw up his hands in disgust,
and called it a day,
then I'm gonna be real pissed off.
But then I look around at all you, hooting and hollering
and getting high from all the suffering,
the suffering to come,
the suffering which you have paid for,
and it is no wonder God has quit on us.
What was the third thing?
The third thing.
Third thing is you better find
another way to gamble with your souls.
There is no fight. The Tombs are closed. Get out!
MAN 1: No! MAN 2: This is bullshit!
MAN 3: Come on!
CASSIDY: (SINGING) Oh, Danny boy, the pipes
The pipes are calling
MAN: It's the vampire!
I'll take first crack at him.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(GRUNTING)
Stay down.
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(ALARM STOPS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
Stay down, Cass. I mean it.
(GRUNTS)
I said, stay down!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Who needs God?
The Tombs are back in business.
(CHEERING)
Now you've seen it!
That's gonna happen here night after night.
I'm a L'Angelle.
And if you don't like it, you can go! Both of you!
Get it?
Got it?
Good.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(THUDS)
- What took you so long? - I couldn't see.
Forehead kept slipping.
(EXCLAIMS)
Skin suit, still the best way to break a mate free. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(ENGINE REVVING)
It's not all his fault, you know?
He's just a product of his environment.
I guess we all are in a way.
Mmm-hmm.
So, New York? Bloody Idaho?
That's the bright side in this.
We can go wherever we want. You know? We got some freedom.
Now we could just drive, and drive, and never stop. (CHUCKLES)
If that's what we wanted...
Or we could just stop here.
Why?
You can't stay here, Cass. It's not safe.
And you can?
You can stay here in this place with him?
After everything he's done?
I'm not leaving without you, Tulip.
- You have to. - I won't do it.
(SIGHS)
I love you.
But I don't love you.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Can I just say one last thing?
We should've gone to Bimini.
(CHUCKLES)
BUS DRIVER: Next stop, New Orleans.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
The hell are you doing? I told you to get out of here!
You're a mean son of a bitch, Jesse Custer.
But you ain't that mean.
- What're you talking about? - Don't lie to me!
What you did down there to Cassidy,
that was pretend mean, like fake mean.
You don't know what you're saying.
To protect him from this shit-hole.
Like you were protecting Madame Boyd when you dumped her sorry ass.
How you know about Sabina?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is, I don't need protecting.
What I need is a goddamn boyfriend who levels with me.
I'm tired of doubting you, Jesse.
And I'm really tired of you not trusting me with shit.
Now do you want us to be good again?
Hmm?
Is that what you want?
Well, is it?
What happened to Kenny?
KENNY: I'll fight! I'll fight you, L'Angelle!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
Kenny. Kenny, please stop!
Kenny! Kenny, please, stop!
(KENNY GRUNTING)
Kenny.
Kenny, please stop. Stop!
(SCREAMS)
Kenny.
Kenny. Kenny. (BREATHING HEAVILY)
Are you not entertained?
(CROWD CHEERING)
Man, this place sucks.
You just wait.
Oh, I will.
Damn right.
So, we're good again?
Only one way to find out.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(GASPS)
- Shit, your ex-girlfriend. - Huh?
Nothing. Go back to sleep.
(SIGHS)
Sorry about that.
Got busy.
Where are they?
Who?
Your boys know I took you. And they can damn sure guess where.
So, why aren't they shooting this place up? Huh?
I called them. I told them not to come.
So, you can break it.
No. But you can.
Oh, right, my wand? From graduating Hogwarts?
Mmm-hmm. Totally forgot I had that.
You wanna get rid of a spell like this,
all you gotta do is get rid of the person who cast it.
Yeah, and then what?
That's it. The spell's broken.
Uh-uh.
No, then there's some boomerangy, "Gotcha, sucker" twist happens
and Jesse's head falls off or something.
Nothing will happen to Jesse. I promise.
You been burning my ears off all night
with how much you hate him. Why should I trust you?
Because as much as I hate Jesse,
there's one person in this world I hate even more.
It's simple.
You want Jesse out of here?
Kill his grandma.
(GRUNTS)
(SATAN LAUGHS)
That'll do.
(PANTING)
As advertised.
What a son of a bitch.
He didn't scream once, did he?
Well, now that we got the formalities out of the way,
let's talk. You first.
A preacher.
This guy!
Such a self-starter.
You could learn something, Sidney.
Preacher, that is normally kind of a no-fly zone with me.
But these are not normal times.
I need you to go back up
and bring someone back on down to me.
Actually,
two someones.
Now, these two someones,
for, uh, nuanced reasons I'm not going into right now,
are threatening my big, beautiful expansion plans.
So, I thought of you.
My weapon?
No, no, no.
We can't have you shooting up cops and hotels on this one.
I need 'em back alive.
And if you can do that,
you can have your guns back.
And then you can kill all the preachers you want.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)